Thank you ... for EVERYTHING

I wrote this as a spontaneous Facebook post, and it seemed to affect so many people that I decided to share it as a blog ...

In 2012 I asked my mentor how to manage a continuing difficult situation involving another person. She told me to say "thank you" whenever I felt challenged - the greater the difficulty, the more important it was to say "thank you" (just silently).

Despite her suggestion, this didn't happen for a long time. To me, it was like slamming your fingers in the car door and then bowing your head in gratitude. It seemed incongruent to say the least and every time the particular situation arose, the LAST thing I would say was "thank you". In fact, I would forget about that suggestion until much later and when I would remember, I would shake my head at the notion and think "that is simply not possible right now".

Eventually however, I started occasionally remembering her suggestion closer to the moment but still felt incapable of acting on it. In the past few months I have sometimes remembered AND acted on it by saying a silent thanks (through gritted teeth) WHILE I was feeling challenged (not all the time, mind you - we're talking baby steps) and without even really knowing it, I started to say a silent "thank you" for so many other things throughout the day. It was like once I could start saying thank you for the things that hurt, angered or saddened me, even occasionally, I automatically started saying 'thank you' for the things I have taken for granted all my life - clean air, clean water, shelter, safety, food etc.

Today I've been surveying the landscape of my life and taking inventory and looking at the road ahead and I noticed that the general feeling of life has shifted in the past 6 months. I was wondering whether there was a reason for that (looking for things to model). I couldn't pinpoint anything in particular and then it suddenly dawned on me that the only thing that's changed is that I have become really mindful about gratitude for the good, the bad and the ugly. I just realised that since receiving the suggestion to get grateful when things are tough and now, it's started to become part of my identity. And I have been feeling supported and guided in a way that I cannot describe for some time now.

I didn't give thanks because I was expecting something in return but right at this moment, the link between the degree of awesomeness I experience in my life and my growing ability to not just say but actually FEEL grateful when things are not very awesome, is crystal clear.

I have been extremely fortunate to have some incredible, amazing, extraordinary teachers in my life and this is one of the most liberating bits of guidance I have ever received. The fact that it has taken me nearly a year to even start putting into practice empowers the wisdom even more so. This is the greatest and most powerful lesson I have ever received. Please try it ... even if it takes you a year to remember ... the next time you encounter something that feels 'not ideal' on any level, give thanks. Even if it feels completely at odds with how you are feeling and even if you all you want to do is bang your head into a wall ... say 'thank you'. Eventually, you won't just say it, you will feel it too.

Just writing about this has got me feeling all gooey and thankful again. Right at this moment, even my cells feel happy and buzzing. This is good stuff!  


p.s. After writing this post on Facebook, I received the following beautiful response from a friend by private message. I am sharing it here, with his permission, because it is so powerfully, simply but elegantly worded that I think it might bring great value to many. 

I saw your post... in my situations I try to always think of this...

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is at this moment.

I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Acceptance has taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we each have a right to be here.

When I focus on what's good today, I have a good day, and when I focus on what's bad, I have a bad day. If I focus on a problem, the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases. When I focus on people's bad qualities, they multiply; when I focus on people's good qualities, they seem to grow and grow.

Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of other people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations. I have to discard my 'rights', as well as my expectations, by asking myself, "How important is it, really? How important is it compared to my serenity, my emotional sobriety?"

I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and let go of the results.

I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my level of acceptance. When I remember this, I can see I've never had it so good.   

Growing Pains

I’ve been working with a fab co-creator in the business realm lately who said she noticed that the way I sabotage is by going into a state of ‘overwhelm’ and then Exiting Stage Left and finding something else to preoccupy my attention for a while (what I would call my ‘love of variety’ she would call my ‘bullshit story’).

What I am realizing is that part of the reason why I have taken my ‘sweet ass time’ propelling my vision in business forward and creating real momentum is because I have been so attached to the outcome – Infinite Abundance on All Levels (otherwise defined as EXTRAORDINARY Success) - that I have unwittingly sabotaged the journey out of fear that I may not get the outcome I want. There’s a certain point on the climb to the summit where the stakes suddenly feel too high and the oxygen gets too thin that Fear overtakes and I retreat down into a grassy pasture. My mantra has been "I would rather bail before I fail and leave people with the illusion that I/IT COULD have been great then ride the waves of uncertainty."

Earlier this year, my coach and mentor gently suggested I had a "fear of commitment" and I dismissed and denied that as “completely ridiculous”. But now I think she might have been right... and how we show up in one area of our life is how we show up in every area of our life. Business is a metaphor for life.

Here is the truth - There are some things I want so badly that I can simultaneously experience and feel the double-edged sword of Success and Failure - where the Success would bring immeasurable and potentially lifelong joy and fulfilment but the Failure would bring such unbearable pain and suffering that, until now, I would rather have sabotaged the whole thing then toss that coin.

Its time for me to grow up (or at least not be completely driven by my inner child) and stop running away from commitment and uncertainty and instead begin the practice of truly sticking and following through with what’s really important – whether that be a project, a person, or a purpose –with steadfast purpose and determination, even amidst the fear and the uncertainty that I might land on the sharp edge of the sword.

And all I know is that I know nothing

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Here’s why – I’ve never written without inspiration and I haven’t felt inspired to write in a long time. Now I do.  And I’d like to share something with you, if you will permit me to do so…in my normal meandering, I’ll-get-to-the-point-eventually kind of way. Or otherwise seque off into the galaxy.

In January 2012, I connected with Zeus … someone who facilitates Sacred Ceremony … and he told me about his immediate recent experience in India.

Zeus had just come from some “thing” in India where he had meditated for some ridiculous amount of time – something like 23 hours a day for 6 weeks -  there was a word for it – a special term for that particular kind of insanity. Maybe you know. I blank because I just couldn’t even imagine it. But whatever. It was Zeus’ learning in that time, that he shared with me, that I have maybe just discovered for myself for the first time – enough to share with you in an honest, embodied way.

Here is what happened – Zeus facilitated our Sacred Ceremony:  a beautiful, connected and deeply soulful journey that is also totally solo… in Ceremony, you can be as connected, merged and ONE as your greatest dream, and you can also feel as cast-off, isolated and alone as your worst nightmare.

At the end of this particular journey … when I was by myself, wrapped in a blanket, and companion-ing with my thoughts, Zeus came over and sat down beside me and this is what he shared (para-phrased by me):

“When I went to India …. You know, we were all invited to be there … it was special and we were all beings who “got it” on one level … but on the first day, our teacher said this:

‘If any of you have come here thinking the next 6 weeks will get you closer to Enlightenment or Truth then you are already setting yourself up for Suffering.”

(Now, dear reader, please remember that this group Zeus had journeyed to India with were people that most of us would think of as ‘Enlightened Masters’ on their worst days.)

Zeus recounted what he had heard ... “The moment you go into any new experience (i.e. the Present moment) seeking ANYTHING, you are setting yourself up for Suffering”:

When Zeus told me this, my mental response was – “cool, and GOOD LUCK with that” – because theoretically, every moment is NEW and yet every moment is seeped and coloured with every single past moment we have ever experienced … this is inevitable, so HOW do we divorce expectation from our thoughts, and bring a black slate into each and every present moment? And for that  matter – when does ‘a moment’ begin, and when does it end?

Think about this, just for a moment… when you wake up in the morning, you EXPECT there will be light in the sky, water from the faucet, oxygen to breathe, some consistency and continuum of yesterdays conversation  – you assume the basics will be there.  Right? Can you imagine what it would be like if you went to bed tonight, woke up tomorrow, and the sky was pitch black when you expected it to be light?  Weird, for starters.

Here is the question  - At what point do you cross the line between what you can or should “expect”, based on your history,  and the Unknown? Where exactly does that happen?  … or maybe a better question is how much fulfillment can you have without needing or expecting anything externally at all  - without ever engaging The Seeker? And how can you really drop the needs, desires and/ or expectations from Daily Life and replace them with just Unconditional Acceptance of What Is, no matter the weirdness or incongruency you encounter? How is it possible not to let the Past influence the Future, even if it’s just one moment to the next?”

Then, Zeus said this – “I suffered on this thought throughout ALL my meditations:

Why do you DO ANYTHING if you are not seeking SOMETHING – why do anything at all? … because everything you DO is YOU SEEKING to fulfill something….

(That’s exactly what I was thinking. What is THE POINT?)

And tonight, in ceremony, I believe I understand how we experience this Surrender of the Seeker.  It is when we Fall In Love with Other – and it is the moment that extends from there - for however long it lasts for each person, - where they are in the State of Bliss, such that no matter what happens externally, they feel perfect and joyful. “

My translation – “When you fall in love with someone, it makes no difference what’s going on around you because everything is just AMAZING and since all you’re thinking about is how phenomenal this ‘other person’ is and “how wonderful life is, now you’re in the world”… Life becomes the mirror.  Everything you see in your life and the world is the mirror to your internal landscape – a reflection of your thoughts -  but the only thing that’s really different is that you’ve dropped the Seeker, so you see beauty everywhere – because you feel so happy within. You THINK its about the external person, place or thing… but it’s not.”

What Zeus concluded was this – “When we fall in love with Other; and everything is Bliss – for an hour, a week, a month or a year – the Bliss does not come from finding someone else who completes us or fills a void but rather, from feeling the Exhale … the Trust … in another person that allows the Seeker in all of us to Rest so that we are finally able to see Self in Other. It is when we first ‘fall in love’ and we smile at the world, that we disengage The Seeker. We give the credit for the State of Bliss to the Other but the Bliss is something we experience within ourselves, when we disengage the Seeker who is always looking for peace, inspiration, love, truth, beauty externally – Other is just the vehicle but really, all the Other does is allow us to fall in love with ourselves. Other is just the vehicle that points us back to our Self Within.”

At the time, I remember thinking. “I have no idea what the fuck that means but yeah, that sounds pretty cool to me.”

Tonight, I get it. I think.

I’ve had a series of ‘shooting star’ experiences lately… and one meteor … that have stacked on top of each other like a New York City Club sandwich and have left me feeling so bewildered, awed, amazed, dazed and confused that I have found myself in this interesting place of ‘floating’… thing are happening around me and I logically understand that I SHOULD respond in such and such way but I actually cannot process what I am seeing and experiencing in any other way than in this kind of Floaty-Bliss-Witness-MakesNoDifference kind of way.

That’s not entirely true. I got an email two days ago that really upset me.  But only for about 5 seconds in the Grand Scheme of things … and then I was all warm and fuzzy again.

So… My point… what is the point? I don’t really have a point. I just want to acknowledge, to myself and to anyone else who might read this, that I feel inspired again, after a long time of feeling partially motivated but not necessarily inspired.  

What I see (right at this moment) is that LIFE IS GOOD  - no matter what’s happening around me - and what I feel is that I’m not seeking anything beyond what I have in order to experience a different state … that is not to say I’m not seeking SOMETHING or that don’t have HUGE dreams.  I do. And they are EXTRAORDINARY. But the crux of the dream is in this moment. And this moment - that depends on nothing to be what it is -  is BRILLIANT and seeks nothing. Bear with me, okay?

I was at a “Life and Wealth Mastery” in Fiji and the ‘wealth’ part of the seminar started with the analogy of someone who starts with nothing and dreams of one day having a Ferrari.  He works his ass off - with relentless persistence and pig-headed determination - to get the Ferrari. He finally gets the Ferrari. He gets the keys, descends into the little sexy leather bucket seat, turns the car on and feels the engine beneath him as the car roars to life. And off he goes, thundering down the road with his gorgeous new Ferrari thinking, “I did it. I now have a Ferrari.”

The adrenaline and exhilaration was like nothing else … for a few quick moments. And then he realizes … it wasn’t about the Ferrari … it was about who he had to BECOME in order to get the Ferrari … the fulfillment was in the miles TO the showroom, not the miles FROM the showroom.

Think back on the last time you felt completely, head-over-heels in love with someone. Think about how you interacted with the rest of the world when you were in that “I’m so in love” state – even when that person wasn’t anywhere near you. I bet you were your Best and Highest Self. Even if only for a day, a week, a month. And then eventually … ‘the honeymoon ended’ …. And in that instant you re-engaged the Seeker and once again started looking externally for what exists within.

I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.  I just re-read it and thought “H’uh?” the entire way through, so God only knows what I’ve been going on about.  But this is what I FEEL right now … INSPIRED, HAPPY, HOPEFUL, OPTIMISTIC. I have been with the most amazing people lately. I feel safe, protected, loved, supported … and in that space, I seek nothing… but the flip side of that is that in that happy space my dreams have taken a Quantum Leap forward. So, I seek nothing but I want everything – the dream come true, the fairytale.

But right now, here I am, in my office – in my little chair that I sit alone in so much of the time, as I do. In the pure tangible sense of the word, nothing has changed and yet everything has changed… that feeling of inspiration and bliss and contentment remains in me like a bright red happy birthday balloon filled with eternal helium joy . I could want for nothing except perhaps to experience the tangible, measurable evidence of my wayward meanderings in person.

And I have no idea what any of it really means.

p.s. Zeus is not his real name.

THE WHISTLEBLOWER - Are you sure it's really YOUR idea?

I recently read a Facebook post from a respected and successful professional who is described as “a Businessman, coach, mentor, author and International speaker. He has studied and observed the psychology of influence for well over a decade now and is considered an expert on influencing human behaviour and how it relates to sales, marketing and personal transformation.”

The post was called “The Peak Performance Blueprint” and the “Tip of the Day 1” was called “Touch it Once”. In his introductory paragraph he says “I had to develop this process because I was one of those people that let their inboxes overfill and explode - only nine months ago, every single day I would open my inbox and there'd be over 3,000 emails accumulated.”

The only thing is – he didn’t develop the “Touch it Once” discipline. How do I know this? Because Chet Holmes, the recently deceased American businessman who was considered to be the best sales and marketing strategist in the world, wrote about it in his book “The Ultimate Sales Machine”, which was initially published in 2007.

Now, there’s a chance that Chet Holmes didn’t invent the “Touch It Once” principle either. But chances are, he did. He was that kind of person who truly was leagues ahead of everyone else, a true innovator and not someone who would lip-sync their way through the National Anthem.

I was recently on a webinar about how to communicate to your clients in a way that really resonates and strikes an emotional cord with them so that they ultimately buy from you. The speaker advised that the key was to identify your client’s BAP - otherwise known as the “Bad Ass Problem” – and suggested that he had coined the term himself. Given that this guy was otherwise softly-spoken, mild-mannered and conservative, “Bad Ass Problem” didn’t quite feel congruent with the rest of his language. The other thing is that Frank Kern - the Kombi driving, (former) beer swilling, occasionally swearing, board short and flip flop wearing, long haired and doesn’t-fit-the-mold American guru of internet marketing – has been doing keynote presentations to American audiences for years where he talks about identifying that “Bad Ass Problem”.

I personally saw Frank speak at “Business Mastery” in Las Vegas in 2011 and “Bad Ass Problem” rolled off his tongue like it was part of the woorkwork. Again, he may not have coined the phrase but it sure fits in with his overall persona. Then again, he never claimed to have coined it. Which probably means he did.

Third example – and this one is a true disgrace – one of the facilitators for one of the most recognized and influential “motivational speakers” in the world takes the material that he presents on behalf of the founder and sells it as his own to naïve “boot-camp” clients willing to pay $10k for the privilege. Apparently, he doesn’t even repackage or represent the information – it’s just a straight out boot-leg. Granted, these clients might still elect to pay the fees and proceed with the course even if they knew they could go straight to ‘the source’ and get it there (ironically presented by the same person) but shouldn’t they at least be given that choice?

Last but not least, when I went to Tony Robbins ‘Date with Destiny’ in April 2010 I had recently finished reading David Deida’s book ‘The Way of the Superior Man’ (published in 2006) and was struck by how Tony presented the exact material from the book as conclusions based on his own studies of human behavior. David Deida, born in 1958, has spent his life’s work studying and writing about the way men and women grow spiritually and sexually and, as a contemporary of Robbins, was apparently not too impressed when he heard his work was being claimed by someone else. I heard there was the threat of a lawsuit from “Deida’s camp” but it was quickly buried and settled. In the subsequent ‘Date with Destiny’ seminars I have attended I note that Tony is very clear in crediting Deida for that particular material and is also mindful about discussing his observations and theories in the context of the larger work of others.

I get that the need for “significance” would compel some people to take credit for things that do not originate with them. I understand that their inner critic might be saying, “if you’re not smart enough to come up with your own stuff, why should anyone buy what you’re selling?” And believe me, I have my own finger well and truly on the pulse of ‘Fear of Failure’ to understand that exposing your own authentic self opens you up to vulnerability, criticism and the “I am not Enough” terror and syndrome. But the real failure lies in the dishonesty of pretending to be the author and creator of something that just ain’t yours. That’s plain and simple fraud and in the world of mentoring, coaching, motivational speaking, performance strategists, leadership (and especially youth leadership), its sacrilege.

Now that Tony is more mindful to give credit to his peers, does that in any way lessen or dilute the impact and effectiveness of his teachings? Not in my books. If anything, it gives him more credibility because he has the humility to acknowledge that his learnings and teachings are collaborative and co-creative. As Aristotle said, “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts”. It is so much more elegant and graceful to acknowledge the part others play in our life, indirectly and directly, then to pretend to be “Master and Commander” of all we survey. Even Einstein had some help from his predecessors.

“Be impeccable with your word” is the first of The Four Agreements (Don Miguel Ruiz). Tell the truth.

“There is no such thing as an original idea”. And so what? Who cares? It doesn’t need to be original to have a wildly prolific impact. Ultimately, nothing in this life is about you anyway.

In “The Speed of Trust” Stephen Covey talks about “trust” as being “no longer a social virtue but a hard-edged economic driver” that is no less than “the new currency of the new global economy”. The first step to building trust comes from within - it is when you are completely aligned in everything you feel, think, say and do.

The people I am buying from these days are the people who aren’t afraid to own their own human-ness, aren’t afraid to say “I don’t know”, aren’t telling me THEY are the be-all-and-all as they pound their chests from the balconies. The people I am buying from these days are the people who are earning their living honestly and have enough humility and sense of co-creation to recognise that another person’s greatness and achievement doesn’t need to be show-ponied as their own for it to affect a greater good that goes beyond individual significance.

Best Facebook update of the day:  “I am heart-poundingly, eye tearingly in love with my wife”. Doesn’t get more honest, raw or vulnerable than that. I don’t even know this FB “friend” personally but I do know he is someone I would buy from. More importantly, he is someone I already feel I could trust.