Overcoming madness and learning to fly

Listen to what you know instead of what you fear. - Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull

"Most human beings are psychotic. They know what they want but they do the very thing that is guaranteed to prevent them from getting it." Such was the observation offered by a wise and dear friend who, after spending years in silence and meditation, is in a better position than most of us to witness what we as human beings do to sabotage our own happiness.

Most of us seem to exist perpetually in one of two states: either we are so preoccupied with our idea of how things are meant to be that we often miss the very thing we have been yearning for even when it is right in front of us; or we recognise it when we see it, panic and flee in fear to protect our egoic story, stay in our safety zone and convince ourselves that maybe its not what we really wanted anyway. Its madness!

Somewhere along the way, we've conditioned ourselves to look first for what's wrong with a person, a situation or an event rather than what's right and as the stakes get higher our attachment to our head-based resistance gets deeper - for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Nowhere is this polarity more pronounced than in the relationship between Love and Fear. The more we expose our heart, the greater the fear of rejection. Fear is Love's dance partner, and the dance is an elusive tango of foreplay, seduction and shadow. I know this dance so well...

For me, a big part of this year has been about stepping out of my comfort zone and into fear, or in the very least discomfort and anxiety - keeping my heart open and trusting and acting on what I feel - with parched mouth, palms sweating and heart pounding... It is not easy! What's easy is to stay in our heads and allow limiting beliefs, excuses and/or details of our day-to-day busy lives to justify our decisions. But when I look back, it is the times I rationalised, analysed and second-guessed my feelings that are the decisions I later regretted. I have never once regretted one spontaneous decision made from my heart and my initial gut instinct has never led me astray. And neither has yours. When it comes from the heart, it is never wrong.

And though it requires vigilance to keep our hearts open so that we may determine our lives from an outcome based on deep, rich, long-term fulfilment as opposed to instant daily gratification, it is only when we lead our lives from our hearts instead of our heads that we discover the true riches that life offers. As Henry David Thoreau said, "... I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

Earlier this year, I was asked to identify what I valued above all else. My answer was freedom. In that same exercise I was asked to identify what I desired more than anything else. My answer was love. At the time, I was challenged that perhaps the reason I had been out of a relationship for so long was that I was overvaluing freedom and the two values were in conflict. I considered that argument for some time - to the point that I even took freedom off my list completely - but I have now come to realise that freedom and love, at their deepest levels, are one and the same.

We can only experience the deep and profound love, joy and fulfilment that is within our capacity as human beings when we surrender to our hearts longing and let go of all of our presuppositions that predicate a "no" before a "yes!" When the fear of rejection, or failure, or not being enough or not knowing the outcome start screaming in your ear and telling you to run, and you respond by holding your ground, staying present and opening your heart even wider still, that is when deep unfettered joy, peace and love can pierce through our many masks of defence and allow our spirit to truly soar.

When your heart invites you in, say YES! And trust the 'how?' will work itself out. You don't need to know 'how'. Just say yes. And have faith.

When you think you don't know, that is when you do know. And when you fear, you must.

Dog paddling in the rip and looking for arrows

Day 4 post Vision Quest 2010.


Soon after last year's Vision Quest, I was 'called' to quest again. The first quest had awoken in me an internal drumming that became louder and more insistent as the year went on. What I initially thought had been a graduation of sorts was actually an induction and this last year has taken me on an unexpected journey. Instead of effortlessly swimming in the calm bay of ease and flow, I have been dog paddling in a riptide.

The plan was to let go of my egoically driven life in Sydney, my identity as a film industry chick and my consumerist mentality, and surrender into a heartfelt existence firmly anchored in nature and fuelled by passion, purpose and soulfulness. The idea was that once you start living in true integrity with your Highest Self, the Universe will just pour itself into your waiting arms and whatever you desire will instantly manifest. I have since discovered that little nugget of wisdom is nothing but fool's gold. It seems the more I pursue this soulful existence, the more challenging this life becomes - the more I desire something from the highest point of integrity, the more it eludes me; the more layers I peel in my search for 'enlightenment', the less purpose and meaning I find. I feel like a child digging a hole at water's edge - the more I dig, the faster the water comes in to obliterate the hole.

And so, I went down to Bamarang to Quest again with the intention and prayer for the grace of true wisdom. I've been using the arrow in the Fedex logo as a metaphor for this quest: just last month I saw the arrow within the Fedex logo for the very first time. I have received tens of dozens of Fedex packages in my life and have seen the Fedex logo hundreds of times (sitting through the film "Castaway" alone I would have stared at that logo for at least an hour) but have never seen the arrow until someone physically pointed it out to me. And there it is - just sitting there in the negative space between the "e" and the "x" as plain as day - and now every time I see the Fedex logo, the first thing I see is the arrow, which I now understand symbolizes forward movement and thinking. How apt.

It occurred to me that perhaps I had not been seeing the Fedex arrow in my own life - perhaps the part I wasn't getting was as simple as adjusting my perception to see the arrow that has been in front of my eyes the whole time. And maybe in the simplicity and nakedness of nature, the arrow might be shown to me. And it was. Like some cosmic joke.

A few hours into my 24 hour quest, I laid back to look at the sky and noticed that the leafless tree directly to my right - or what was left of it - was a perfectly shaped arrow. There was the trunk, there was a branch on its left coming out of the trunk at a 45 degree angle, and another branch on its right of exactly the same size, diameter and position. And that was it - that was all there was of the tree. A perfect arrow. And a perfect red herring. I had asked for guidance and wisdom and the 'arrow' to show me the path of the paradigm shift and I got a dead tree, a dead end. How the hell was I supposed to convert a dead tree arrow into a decoder for my daily life? I was not amused. I paid good money to sit on my ass in the prickly and dense Australian bush amidst bull ants and horseflies incessantly buzzing around my face with no food and the gods were giving me a dead tree? Are you kidding? I felt like the recipient of one of those cheesy tee shirts... "my parents went to Utopia and all I got was this lousy t-shirt".

From there on, the quest was a monumental struggle. The day dragged on with agonizing and persistent relentless, where minutes felt like hours and my angry, frustrated thoughts drummed through my head like rain on a tin roof. The whole Vision Quest was, as far as I was concerned, the dumbest and most idiotic thing I had ever done (and this was my second round!). The idea of finding true meaning and purpose of life by sitting in a circle on some random piece of dirt for 24 hours was beyond ludicrous - it was completely asinine. The whole spiritual thing was a massive delusion and a cop-out to escape reality through ideology and romanticism and manifestation, the law of attraction and the whole pop psychology of 'The Secret' was a giant con game. In the midst of all this however, I would occasionally find myself spending brief moments as the observer where I would think "ah, look at what the mind is doing to distract and seduce.... that's interesting" but then I got the headache from hell, and the nausea, and it was truly a constant fight just to stay on that mountain, in my circle, and not toss it all in for the comfort of a warm bed and a crackling fire, food and escapism.

It did not get easier and even as I was coming down from the mountain at daybreak the next morning, I felt pissed off and annoyed I had just spent time and money buying into the whole 'Vision Quest' concept when the plain and simple truth was that there was no meaning or purpose in any of it - not just Vision Quest but any of these so-called spiritual endeavors.

But then something dropped in, unannounced, during the closing Sweat Lodge Ceremony. What I suddenly understood at some point between being so annoyed and skeptical when I went into the Lodge and being so hot during the Lodge that I thought I would literally combust, was that all I had to do was be in the experience of it. I didn't have to interpret any signs or symbolsl I didn't have to look for wisdom; I didn't need to imprison myself in a law of cause and effect - I simply had to be in the experience of it and not miss it.

This is different than just being in the present moment because to me, being in the now still implies a cause and effect pattern... if you learn to be in the now, there will be no suffering because nothing is wrong with this moment (unless there is)... whereas just showing up for the experience feels like a complete release of all the baggage - the search for meaning and purpose; the expectation of fulfillment, happiness or peace; the ideology of manifestation; the idea that anything in "my life" is either spellbinding or relevant - so you can just hang out in the experience of whatever it is that you are experiencing, without worrying about what it means or where it might lead or how you might use it. Just hang out. And forget about what it has to do with you. Because it really doesn't have anything to do with you at all and that's the point. Its just an experience, without adjectives.

So that was my glimpse of 'wisdom'. Its only been 4 days since I got that little download so I am still trying to feel my way into this new space at my own (authentic) pace but I did notice today a feeling of being very 'alive' and light. It was like the sub-conscious analysis of how everything relates to me was completely absent for the first time and I was therefore free and clear to just see and feel everyone and everything else around me. Its a feeling I would like to recapture as often as possible but again, even as I type that, the reminder is just to experience life... "don't miss it". I don't need to know what the equation is to replicate these miraculous moments. I just need to turn up for them and surrender to the 'negative' space wherein lies the arrow... whatever that means.

One of my intentions for next year is to study the Tao Te Ching whose 1st verse plants the seed for this apparent paradox -

The Tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named
is not the eternal name.

The Tao is both named and nameless.
As nameless it is the origin of all things;
as named it is the Mother of 10,000 things.

Ever desireless, one can see the mystery;
ever desiring, one sees only the manifestations.
And the mystery itself is the doorway to
all understanding.

The 4 Don'ts and 7 Do's of manifestation according to Wayne Dyer

I am in awe of and inspired by Wayne Dyer. I am equally in awe of and inspired by Anthony Robbins and the two are quite different in their views. Whereas Wayne Dyer says "do nothing and nothing will be left undone"; Tony Robbins scoffs at the idea of manifestation as a sole means of fulfilling visions. For me, a happy medium mantra would be something along the lines of "take massive action and surrender". Or yield.

Part B of the excerpt from Wayne Dyer's presentation in Sydney are his 4 Dont's and 7 Do's of Manifestation which he prefaced by saying "thoughts are the precious currency of your life. How you use these thoughts determines your level of consciousness. As you raise consciousness, your intuitive abilities increase exponentially and ultimately, you have the ability to attract anything." Unfortunately, he says most people unwittingly use their thoughts to attract what they don't want by:

1) Thinking about the way things are.

We have the currency to produce what we want but instead, we purchase and think about what we don't want. Focus on what you intend to manifest. Stop thinking about what IS if you don't like the way things currently are. Self-actualising people do not spend their time thinking about what is.

2) Talking about they way things are.

3) Talking about the way things always have been

4) Talking about what other people want for you


As an aside, a sign in a beach bar in Tortola, my home base in the Caribbean, reads "Small minds talk about people; average minds talk about events; great minds talk about ideas". I believe Eleanor Roosevelt said this first but the quirkiness of the hand painted wooden sign in a Caribbean bar is too charming not to credit. But the point is - for god's sake, stop gossiping. Don't speak badly about other people. Stop your meanness and your pettiness. It only ends up reflecting on you and is a currency that will ultimately bleed you dry.

So, back to Mr Dyer, who believes that if you hold on to an assumption long enough, it is impossible not to manifest. Here are his 7 principles for manifestation, which spring from a foundation of 4 virtues - kindness, reverence, gentleness and service:

1) Imagination - to come from formless into form it must be clearly imagined. What has not manifested has not been desired enough. By passionately believing in what does not exist, you create it.

As Henry David Thoreau said, "If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” if you do this, success will chase after you - you will not have to chase after it.

2) Living from the end, not towards the end - so first, you must imagine the end and then you must live from there. Live from the place you want to be - abundance, prosperity, joy.

As an example, Wayne said when he first started imagining his book "Wishes Fulfilled" he designed the book jacket and had it printed. One day, a friend of his came into his house and saw the finished book jacket on the coffee table and inquired after the book to which Wayne replied that the book was just catching up with the cover.

N.B This is where Tony Robbins and Wayne Dyer are in sync - Tony always talks about living in sight of the outcome and not the process of how to get there. He says when he has interviewed the most successful people on the planet and asked them if they would have done what they did had they known what it would entail, they have almost all said no. So, focus only on the end result.

3) Assume the feeling of the wish fulfilled - you must get to a place where you can embody what it feels like to have this wish - in your heart, your mind, your belly.

How do you do this? Again, this is where Tony Robbins is the ultimate master. He talks about getting into "peak state" where you are fully associated to the feeling of being, doing or having what you want. You change your state in one of 3 ways: through physiology (body), focus (what are you thinking about), and language/meaning (what language are you using to describe xx and.or what meaning are you placing on xx).

One of the things I absolutely love about Robbins events is the music they use to get everyone moving and zinging from floor to ceiling - they use physiology to put us into peak state and I tell you what - you can go from a state of deprivation, exhaustion, and a general feeling of being 'over it' at 1am after going for 17 hours with only one meal break to feeling like you could rock the house and bring the roof down in 3 minutes when you are in that environment. If you get yourself into that state over and over and over again your body will eventually be conditioned to that peak state as its default. As the saying goes, 'shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.'

4) Pay attention to the outcome (energy flows where focus goes - Robbins) and note there is a difference between objective vs. subjective attention. For example, someone might say that one cannot cure a lifetime speech impediment but if you are the one with that challenge, the attention that YOU put on it (or anything) is what determines the result. Use your imagination to remind yourself of how great it is to be where you are going.

5) Subconscious mind - According to Bruce Lipton who wrote the incalculably brilliant book 'The Biology of Belief' the subconscious is where we live 95% of our life and is continually programmed from the the conscious mind. This is often why people feel frustrated with their attempts at manifestation and applying the laws from "The Secret". You can say something over and over again in your conscious mind but if your subconscious hasn't bought into the idea, it ain't going to manifest. And this is also why an incantation, said with total commitment, enthusiasm, facial expression and body movement, is far more powerful than an affirmation that is monotously read off some sheet of paper taped to the mirror. When you truly embody an incantation, your subconscious mind will accept it as reality a lot faster than some pop psychology cliche. You have to own it.

6) Last 5 minutes of your day - When you are ready to go to sleep ask yourself, "what am I doing with my thoughts and my mind because I am about to marinate these thoughts for the next 8 hours (if you're lucky!)". Your subconscious mind will then offer you experiences to match your marinated thoughts. Self actualising people spend the last 5 minutes of their day thinking about what they want through their subconscious mind and this is particularly effective because we learn best when we are in trance and our left brain is otherwise engaged.

7) It has to be natural - the ability to manifest does not absolve us from experiencing things in the natural world like illness or loss. You don't avoid rainstorms in your life - you learn how to dance in the rain. If a desired outcome does not feel natural to you, you have to look your underlying beliefs or values to find the discordance and then either change your beliefs or change the intended outcome so that the two are compatible.


In a nutshell, if you are inspired your consciousness expands in every direction and your mind transcends limitations, dormant faculties arise and you discover yourself as a greater person than you ever imagined.


In closing, Wayne Dyer left us with the observation "You can either be a host to God or a hostage to ego". This is a choice each of us has - what do you choose?


A bientot.

Staying on the Soul Train

When I journeyed with my first Vision Quest in November 2009, my intention was to leave my Ego behind on the mountain and to start living every moment of my life from my Highest Self. Intuitively, I knew I was coming to a completion of sorts and knew that I would be tested in my learnings. And with perfect timing, it arrived 3 days after I came down from the mountain, in the form of a man. How perfect is the universe!

Until now, my greatest challenge in life was in intimate relationship. As soon as a man I liked started complimenting me and stroking my ego, with promises of sweeping me off my feet, taking care of me, protecting me, and riding off with me into the sunset of Happily Ever After, I lost myself completely or rather, I gave myself away. My pattern was that I started out in my driver's seat of confidence, curiosity, authenticity and detachment. But soon - ridiculously soon - I would rush in and lean so far forward that I would lose my centre and my balance. I would fall off the wagon, the Soul Train. Almost imperceptibly, I would go from a place of relaxed enthusiasm and detachment to a place of insecurity and neediness and I would find myself anxiously waiting for the calls, the emails, the texts and not only waiting for them, but needing them, checking my phone or my email every 2 minutes and then, when one did arrive, I would then find myself voraciously scanning the message for undertones or overtones of approval or disapproval. I would search and find meaning when there was no meaning. And in the insecurity, I would start to doubt my worth, my love-ability. I would start worrying that it wouldn't last, that he would fall out of like with me, that he would leave. And because our external reality is a reflection of our internal landscape, I would then start looking for evidence to validate my fears. And I would find it, even if that meant I had to engage the Saboteur, as arsonist, to burn down the house and force the man to flee.

And so it was that I did not pass that last test. I met the man and I rushed in too deep too fast and ignored the warning bells that were going off left, right and centre. I overrode my own intuition that said "SLOW DOWN. YOU ARE GOING TOO FAST" and as soon as I began ignoring my own heart wisdom and guidance, I lost my bearings. I was like a straggling puppy in a storm tossed sea, visibility zero, looking for a lifeline to rescue me and bring me to safety. The lesson here was threefold

1) That it is my job to keep me safe. I am self reliant, self-accountable and self responsible. When I start looking for, and needing, external validation and reassurance what am I really looking for? I am looking for unconditional acceptance and love. And what does that give me? Safety. Because if I am unconditionally love and accepted, I will not be abandoned. And if I know I will not be left, I am safe to relax and be myself. Wow. Now I can see how I put myself on a sinking ship time and time again. When we rely on external factors to meet our most primal and fundamental need - safety - we are almost constantly in a state of anxious fright or flight because the external is constantly changing, even as the sands shift beneath ocean. As Robert Frost so beautifully wrote in his poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay":

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

2) The way that I fulfil my need for safety is by staying anchored in the present moment, grounded to the earth and centred in my heart - the seat of my Highest Self. And how do I do that? By meditating, spending time in nature, exercising, taking long hot baths, journalling, connecting with other friends and loved ones and staying alert in the now - even if that means speaking out loud what I am doing ... "I am sitting in front of the computer and typing my blog". Whatever it takes to keep the focus and the attention on the present moment. And the underlying key to all of this is gratitude. When I take the time to think and say aloud all the things I have to be grateful for, and I keep going until I experience the shift from saying the words to actually embodying the emotions, then I am aligned with my heart and not the story in my head. Gratitude is the ultimate antidote to fear.

3) Trade expectation for appreciation. In my previous relationships I spent so much time and energy in futuristic projections that I sacrificed the simple pleasure of appreciating what was right in front of me. As soon as I had established a firm liking for someone, my mind was already racing ahead to long-term commitments, marriage, kids and ultimately, the end of my life! The lesson here is that there is no destination because every time we get to where we had wanted to be, we start looking for the next goalpost. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and as humans, we are always looking for ways to grow so we will never be content to rest in one place for very long. The difference however, between expectation and appreciation, the difference between seeking a particular outcome and adopting a mind that is open to anything and attached not nothing is in surrender. As the Beatles sang, "Let it Be". But this is not about passive surrender. We still can - and we must - get clear about what we really want, set forth our intentions, align our thoughts, words and deeds to those intentions, and then let go of the outcome. The only thing that is real is that which never changes, and it is the Witness within us - the consciousness that is behind the ego - that stays the same. So the key (and perhaps the challenge!) is to stay in alert and curious detachment, and 'adopt an attitude of gratitude'.


So that was my old story, my old blueprint - the girl that would rush into love, swoon, fall over and perish in the flames of unfulfilled desires. But now its time for a new story and another opportunity to apply the lessons I have learned. As one of my teachers once said to me, "the challenge is not to meditate in a monastery. Anyone can meditate in a monastery - that's easy. The challenge is to meditate in the middle of Times Square". How true that is!! The true test of this learning integration is in relationship, not outside of it.


And so recently, I have begun a dialog with someone who has captured my imagination and ignited my inspiration. And this morning I realised that I was once again falling back into old patterns. I recognised that somewhere in the past week, I had shifted from relaxed appreciation and enjoyment into a slightly anxious state of anticipation and projection. I started getting caught up with the story in my head and out of alignment with the here and now. Hence the reason for today's blog. In writing this, I have been able to process what was happening and invite Witness back in. What was interesting is that when I first started writing this blog, my language was all present tense so instead of saying my challenge used to be in relationship I said "my challenge is always in relationship". Look at that wording. When I set it up like that it is only natural and inevitable that my experience will continue to validate the claim. So now the wording is different and I've got a new story. I used to be the girl that got carried away in the storm tossed seas of unmet expectation and unfulfilled dreams. No longer. Now I am the Sage, the Lover, the Goddess and the Warrior who manifests the vision by staying present, grateful, enthusiastic, curious and detached and allowing life to simply flow. And this is a story with a happy ending.

Hang out with your Higher Self - Excerpt from Wayne Dyer's address in Sydney August 22, 2010

I've just read Greg's comment on my 'I cant see with the light on' post and his wisdom has inspired me to create anew. To quote him, "When we choose a path of self-enlightenment, the illusionary brightness of the life we've lived thus far starts to fade. As it becomes dark, we panic. We panic because, like being in the bush with wild animals and unknowns around us, we are scared and unprepared. We are so accustomed to what we are familiar with that something so raw, natural and beautiful frightens us. The darkness you've described, I believe is your true untouched lightness. In order to fully appreciate that light, you need to appreciate the darkness first. Only then, as you have discovered, does the light shine". That is so beautifully said and it comes from the wisdom of someone who is a great teacher and an extraordinarily intuitive healer.

The path and the journey to lightness is a long and winding road that takes vigilance, discipline and daily renewal. I have fleeting moments of inspiration when I think I am there, that I've graduated, that all the work has finally paid off. And then I relax a little, hang out in my head, and indulge in egoic ruminations until I find myself once again wading in my small self, my story, my shadow. Sometimes I actually enjoy indulging that side of me. I like to be in a bad mood, or grumpy and agitated and feisty and I want nothing to do with people who come offering me a cheer-up incantation or a change-your-state meditation. But the more I do this work, the more I realise that it is not only our right, but our responsibility, to uncompromisingly choose the highest path. Because every one of us makes a difference. A shift in our own vibrational frequency does indeed have a ripple effect because we are all connected and what happens to one affects the whole. So, whether we choose to satiate ourselves with enthusiasm and gratitude, or wallow in the egoic victim or entitlement mentality, we are affecting the people around us.

Last week, I was fortunate enough to attend a 2 day conference featuring Wayne Dyer, Sonia Choquette, Caroline Myss, Gregg Dugan and Dr Brian Weiss who all contributed their insight, wisdom and knowledge on where we are headed and how we can make a difference. Wow!! Talk about inspiration. Wayne Dyer should be sainted. He is absolutely captivating (and incredibly funny) and everyone in the audience was riveted for his entire 4-hour presentation so I thought I would like to share an excerpt from his lecture for those who might be interested. The following are snippets from the notes I took so may be a little disjointed but comprehensive enough to receive his message. The notes are lengthy so I am dividing them into two parts. Part B will reflect his ideas about the Power of Thought and the 4 Donts and the 7 Dos for manifestation.


WAYNE DYER - Prophet. 70 years old. 8 children - 6 daughters, 2 sons.

- When someone exhibits an act of kindness - whatever that might be - just that simple act will increase the serotonin levels in both the giver and the receiver. In fact, it has been proven that a 3rd party observer of an act of kindess also experiences a reciprocal release of dopamine as both the giver and the recipient.

- Being in the state of God consciousness is when someone's mere presence, nothing more, can elevate the consciousness of those around us. And God consciousness is available to us all, at any moment. We are all just instruments of consciousness.

- We are not alone in our struggle. As the Course of Miracles states. "If you knew who walked beside you, all the time, you would never feel fear again". Mother Teresa was once sponsored by an Arizona radio station to visit orphanages and shelters in the Midwest of America. The manager of the radio station was beside himself in his efforts to offer her something as an expression of gratitude. But all of his offers - the best hotel, a plug on the radio, first class comfort while she was travelling, etc etc - were refused. Finally, he got down on his knees in front of her and said "Please, Mother. Isn't there anything I can do for you?" She gently got him up off his knees and said "Yes. There is something. Go onto the streets of Phoenix. Find someone living there who thinks he's alone. And convince him that he's not".

- We MUST shift from ordinary levels of consciousness to super levels of consciousness if we, as a planet, are to survive. This is the 100th monkey phenomenon - once you hit critical mass, ALL of the electrons start to align and therefore, every one of us can contribute the tipping point. To ascend to super consciousness means to undergo a fundamental shift in personality. We must have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing and we must be willing to accept responsibility for changing the concept of ourselves. Every excuse that keeps us from moving to a higher level is a meme - a virus of the mind that duplicates, then infiltrates and then spreads. The excuses don't hold up.

- We have to decide that we want to get to know our Higher Selves, the Divine Quintessence, the concept that you and God can never be separate. All separation is shadow. Stop chasing the shadows, stop seeking things externally and instead look to the relationship with God, our Higher Selves, to have a life filled with meaning. And then you will realise that manifestation is such a powerful tool and that you have the ability to attract virtually anything. But the ego does not manifest anything. Manifestation comes through Spirit.

- If you want to be guided by Spirit, go out and watch the blossoms of the fruit trees. The only way to experience oneness is through silence. God's voice is stillness. Those who know,do not talk. Those who talk do not know. Restore your own angelic ways of immortality by consistently practicing reverence, kindness, gentleness and service.

- If you want to accomplish big things, think small, do less and achieve more. The less you own, the more you have. Let the universe carry you. Do nothing and nothing will be left undone.


END PART A.

I can't see with the light on

In the past month, I have had "light bulbs" on my shopping list for four consecutive visits into town. And do you think I have come home with a single light bulb? Not a chance. This is so utterly confounding to me for the simple fact that I am meticulous with my shopping lists. I write everything I need down, and then rewrite the whole list into separate categories and then when I shop, I have my pen in hand to tick off and cross out each item as I gather it. Its the same way I complete Word Search puzzles. That way, its easy to see what is still missing and also provides me with a sense of accomplishment when I tick off my whole list.

For those four visits however, I somehow missed "light bulbs" on my list, even though the word was glaring off the list at me when I returned home and realised I was still in the dark. So then I wrote "BULB" on my hand... and believe it or not, I missed that too. Three additional times. So, it was now seven consecutive visits to town that I have come home bulbless and the last time, it went from being funny to being just plain annoying and I found myself exasperatedly asking "What are you trying to tell me!??!" And, as always happens when I ask a question to the heavens, I got my answer.

I was driving Grace (my 3-yr-old) home from Sydney last week and she kept playing with the light inside the car. And you know how its really hard to see a pitch black road when you have the interior car light on? I would reach back and turn it off and she would giggle, and turn it back on again. I would reach back and turn it off, and she would turn it on. And so and so forth as is what happens with toddlers at play. Finally, I pulled over on the side of the road, turned to her, and quietly but firmly said, "Grace, I can't see with the light on".

I can't see with the light on.

I laughed out loud. I knew that was my answer but I didn't know exactly what it meant (although I had some idea). This morning, I have found further translation but first lets pause this for a moment as I tell you a brief back-story to put this all in context.


For years, I have struggled with a sense of purpose and now, more than anything else, I just want to be of service. I want to serve life itself and to contribute in whatever way I am guided to do so. I want so very much to make a difference in this world, to not have lived in vain. The question that relentlessly and furiously plagues me is HOW? HOW DO I DO THIS? How can I make a difference when I feel so ill-equipped and under-skilled and ultimately... unworthy. I have sat on a rock in Bouddhi National Park that overlooks the beach and the ocean and asked this question to God over and over again. I have looked for signs in the trees and taken the whisper of leaves as a confirmation that someone, somewhere, is listening. I just don't speak their language yet so I haven't understood the answer.

Last week, I spent the weekend in a course called "Life Quality and Design" that was essentially about us defining our values, vision and purpose while illuminating what might be holding us back. During that course, the teacher, Donna Manning (one of the most soulful people I have ever met), posed the question to us about balancing our own individual purpose with the world at large. In other words, how can we talk about our own life purpose without taking into consideration what is happening to the world around us. Our planet is dying. Are we going to turn a blind eye and pretend we live in a silo?

This week, I started reading a book called 'The Hope - A Guide to Sacred Activism' by Andrew Harvey. The book is described as "not only a guide to discovering your divine purpose but also the blueprint for a better world". In it, Harvey references the bible quite a bit. While I have read the Bible, I have largely dismissed it as a series of stories but this morning, in Harvey's context, I see a different offering. He refers to a revelation given to us by Jesus in the Gospel of St Thomas (a chapter I seem to have forgotten):

"The seeker should not stop until he finds. When he does find, he will be disturbed. After having been disturbed, he will be astonished. The he will reign over everything".

Harvey's translation here is that "the path of transcendence - through which the transcendent powers of love and wisdom are embodied in the core of human life - is at once the most difficult of all, because it involves a grueling and dangerous descent into the personal and collective shadow, and the most empowering, because if it is taken far and deep, it births a new kind of human being: one whose mind is illumined by gnosis, whose heart is aflame with a sacred passion of compassion, and whose body becomes, over time, the conscious receptacle of divine energy".

By the way, in case you are wondering about the word "gnosis", as I was, it means "an intuitive knowledge of spiritual truths".

So this is it. For those of us who want to take the journey to truly serve humanity, we must do so by descending deep into our own shadow, our own darkness, and to reclaim the parts of ourselves that we have disowned or disassociated from, but that are reflected back to us in the world at large. The plight of our planet is our own individual suffering as well. There can be no separation. And no light until we see ourselves, and own that, in the collective darkness. And yet, the light is there for us - as Harvey says, "if we make a conscious connection with the Divine Light and its grace, we will not only help preserve ourselves and nature, but also transform into spiritually conscious, humble co-creators of a just and peaceful world

Whew... that's a lot of wisdom from a forgotten lightbulb. The teachings, you see, are everywhere. I delight to think of what's coming next! In the meantime, I have been reminded of the importance of ceasing to look for meaning in form and content and of seeking external validation to confirm my purpose. Instead, I am reminded to go within - to close my eyes and drop into the 'darkness', the stillness, of my heart, where the whole universe awaits, the light and dark.

And finally, guess what? As I was driving home last night, I stopped at the store and bought my light bulbs.

the Holy Grail of friendship

A friend of mine who I loved very dearly died on Monday night. Her name was Sarah Thomas and she was 38 years old. I have been crying and screaming and then feeling totally calm about it but what is ripping my heart apart is the thought that her daughter, 2 year-old Maggie, will never know what it feels like to be enfolded in the gentle bosom of love that her mother was; she will never know the blanket that was her mother's warmth and empathy; she will never be able to see the pure kindness and compassion that shone from her mothers eyes or hear her mellifluous laughter, sometimes seasoned with a cheeky lilt, that would engage anyone within earshot. She wasn't just a dollop of cream on a fluffy scone, or the jam in between - she was all of those but she was also zesty and tangy, cinnamon and spice - funny, pragmatic, sharp as a tack, opinionated, strong, decisive and a great conversationalist. She was someone you wanted in your midst.

I met Sarah four years ago at "Girls Lunch", a quarterly lunch that was originally set up as a social/networking opportunity but quickly morphed into an eagerly awaited date between eight or so women who fused over good food, great wine and spectacularly entertaining stories from the frontline of our respective industries. At "Girls Lunch", lunch starts at 1pm and ends in the reciprocal a.m. Our lunches are hard to leave because the company is difficult to part with.

Sarah was the Holy Grail in this circle of friends, a symbol of God's grace and the chalice from which we all shared our friendship. How fitting that it was always she who supplied the wine! Her cup runneth over in generosity of spirit and genuine care and concern for others.

I was one of the last to join this small group of wondrous women and Sarah always made sure I was included and up to speed with the latest plans. In a society where we are all self-consumed by the business, chaos, pace, demands and responsibilties of our self-imposed TO DO lists, Sarah was one of the rare few that took the time and made the effort to pick up the phone just to check in, to see how you were travelling. That was so like her - even at the lunches themselves she would make sure everyone's glass was at least half-full (literally) and having a good time. She just wanted so much for us all to enjoy the day. That was all. There was never any personal agenda with her - it was always outward, always about the group and never about her. Not in any way.

Sarah died of a massive heart attack in her sleep, without any history or candidacy for heart failure. She had one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know - pure gold - and it somehow seems not a coincidence that the very thing that gave our "girls lunch" gals the life and vitality we had as a group is the same thing that killed her. I can't go any further with that thought right now. It is too painful and it just doesn't compute. I feel a huge loss of hope in this.

I just briefly closed my eyes to check in with my heart. The image I saw was a full moon rising over the ocean. That was Sarah. That was her radiance, her brilliance, her shine. The next Full Moon is this Monday, July 26. So when you look up in that sky, and you see that smiling face within the moon, that is Sarah's light shining down on you.

Thank you Sarah, for your loving kindness, compassion, warmth, wit and humour. You will be forever loved and missed.

Spiritual Bumper Sticker

Last year the key learning for me was all about self-reliance, standing on my own two feet and trusting my intuition, while I religiously attended weekly sessions with my various teachers, mentors and healers who continued to teach me that the essence of their teachings was about me learning to seek the wisdom and extract the truth from within myself. I listened and nodded enthusiastically and continued to return to their classrooms week after week after week for further 'enlightenment'.

Six weeks ago, I moved from the convenience store of Sydney to MacMasters Beach where I am now immersed in nature and wake up with the kookaburras instead of the A380s, where I am the sole wanderer on the beach at sunrise and where the vast space of Bouddhi National Park (which means 'heart') feels like something out of 'Jurassic Park' or 'Land of the Lost'. I could wander off the beaten track and not see another soul for days.

The side effect of this yummy soul-nourishing space is limited accessibility to my various teachers, coaches, healers, mentors etc.

Now, something odd has been happening since I moved up here. Well no. Not odd. Not odd now that I see it for the offering it was but let me tell you and you can decide for yourself.

Firstly, the lady that resides within my GPS has been a little misdirected in her road guidance. First, she told me to go straight at a T-intersection, then she told me to "make a u-turn, please" in the middle of a tunnel and finally she told me to go straight ahead... into a large lake. Luckily, I kind of already knew where I was going and have just enough common sense to realise that I was not in a Harry Potter movie so if I drove straight ahead into a cement wall at a T intersection, it was unlikely I would end up at Hogwarts.

Next, I started missing exits. I missed an exit out of the tunnel so crossed a whole body of water before I could turn around; I went over the wrong bridge and ended up in a mountain instead of on the coast and then I went straight past my home exit on the freeway and didn't realise what I had done until I saw the turn off for 'The Entrance', about 25kms past where I needed to be.

Punctuality has not historically been one of my greatest assets. By the time I actually get in the car to go somewhere, I don't normally allow a lot of room for traffic, detours or directionless GPS women. And so, each time I experienced one of these diversions, I was immediately embroiled in a repetitive and very anxious internal discussion that went something like this: "Oh god. Oh no. I can't be here. I need to be at xyz (insert destination) by such and such a time. Shit shit shit." And so on and so forth and it quickly escalated from there until I was completely frenzied, agitated and of course, late.

The last time this happened, I was sharply interrupted by a very pronounced but calm thought:

YOU DON'T NEED TO BE WHERE YOU ARE GOING.

YOU ONLY NEED TO BE WHERE YOU ARE.

And there it was, voila! My spiritual bumper sticker. The whole reason I moved out of Sydney was to escape the busy-ness I so furiously treaded in and be in a place where I could just descend into the moment but here I was, driving like I was on the Autobahn and freaking out about where I was, because it wasn't where I was meant to be.

The simple wisdom and the teaching of that moment was so profound for me and at the same time it was a big 'D'uh' as well. For me, living in the now is the only thing I need to remember - It's like the spiritual version of "Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" but its a lesson I frequently forget.

As Eckhart Tolle says, "Since the now is all there ever is in your life, your entire life unfolds as the present moment. People don't realize it, but all they ever have is 'this'. This moment."

So now that I've decided to just be where I am, I am amazingly finding that I seem to know exactly where I'm going.

Random thoughts for a first post and Buddha is fat because he's enlightened

okay. This is it. Its 7.45am on a random Tuesday. Maybe not so random. It July 13, 2010 and this is my first blog ever, despite thinking about it for over a year. The fear of this being seen and not liked is bubbling up. The mild anxiety that someone might read this and think "what a load of rubbish" or "how utterly boring" is hanging out around my right ovaries. Just around the spleen - the sweetness of my life. Good morning, my Shadow.

Last year, when I was undergoing an intense 6-month transformational process, I had many thoughts about what we were then calling 'ascension', a rather spiritually arrogant label we were applying to the process of digging deep and unpeeling layers in the pursuit of 'awakening' and accessing higher and higher levels of consciousness. Along with an expanded sense of insight and understanding, came an expansion in my jeans, which my teacher assured me was normal - apparently the majority of people gain weight when they are accessing 'higher consciousness/intelligence (go figure). In response, below is the first 'blog' I wrote in May 2009, now finally being published on my own kNOw Red Herrings blog. It feels good!

SMOKIN' BUDDHA by Ashley Good I woke up in the middle of the night last night (as I always do, just after 3am) thinking "No wonder Buddha's fat". My teacher has told me that one of the side effects for some people when they open their throat (giving voice to their pure truth) and clear the blockages between the head and the heart is that all that dense energy that they have been carrying around in our heads for all this time descends down into their heart... and their butts and thighs and stomachs. My mind used to race at a million miles an hour and when I would sit down to meditate I would notice that my brain was like the California 405 freeway with thoughts, like cars, whizzing down and across and weaving in and out of lanes. Now I think that every one of those thoughts must have been about 10 calories and just as the soul apparently weighs 21 grams, the 'head-heart connection' weighs about 7 kilos, and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. How cruel that it shouldn't be the other way around - I wouldn't have minded gaining 21 grams but 7 kilos has translated as thigh chafe and muffin top and frankly, I'm not yet zen enough not to notice or detached enough not to care. The thought has occurred to me that had I known my ass would expand in proportion to my consciousness, I might have stayed on the "mediocrity is good enough" path, which is about as enlightened as the smoker who keeps fagging to stay thin. Clearly, Buddha never smoked. It seems the only alternative to my fat thighs and pudding stomach would have been to ignore the incessant soul-calling that had been buzzing within me for months before I finally made the leap into consciousness cartography... just as the smoker tries to ignore the persistent cough, the shortness of breath, the dull and lifeless complexion, I could have continued to ignore the warning signs that were telling me that there was more to my experience than I was letting in... Its true that ignorance is bliss because if you don't know - or can't even imagine - what you are missing than its easy to believe that a raspy throat, gotten through cigarettes or denial of true self expression, is 'just fine'. After all, you don't know what you don't know. In my case however, I was surrounded by a few very solid, very centred and rather happy people who had plunged into this work and who inspired me to say "I'd like some of what they have"" and after eventually realizing that I myself was not going to transform simply by being in the company of such good people, I put my money where my mouth was (and apparently some caloric-dense food as well) and invested in the belief that I could be exponentially brilliant, too. And here I am, six months later, feeling pretty excited and pretty inspired - like Kirsten Dunst in 'Interview with a Vampire' after her first taste from the chalice of life when she said "I want some more". But still... its about the fat thighs. Forget about pear-shaped - I am like an upside down hot air balloon - bloated, full of gas and a wide load. Sigh. I suppose however, that the upshot of the Hot Air Balloon is that I am now in Top Down mode, and hopefully starting to dispel all my hot air inwards and earthward instead of upwards and outwards. And I'm a little more colourful (I'd like to think) and perhaps now I can appreciate - even witness - the silent soaring journey over the landscape of my life and transcend all the tangles and brambles I've gotten so hung up on in the past. So yes, I suppose fat thighs and a clear voice are better than death by darkness and suffocation. And for now at least, enlightenment at Buddha's level is still a long way off so rumours of my obesity are premature.

For more reading about "ascension" and weight gain, check out one of my favorite spiritual nomads here:

http://home.tiscali.nl/gibbon/weight-changes.htm