Dog paddling in the rip and looking for arrows

Day 4 post Vision Quest 2010.


Soon after last year's Vision Quest, I was 'called' to quest again. The first quest had awoken in me an internal drumming that became louder and more insistent as the year went on. What I initially thought had been a graduation of sorts was actually an induction and this last year has taken me on an unexpected journey. Instead of effortlessly swimming in the calm bay of ease and flow, I have been dog paddling in a riptide.

The plan was to let go of my egoically driven life in Sydney, my identity as a film industry chick and my consumerist mentality, and surrender into a heartfelt existence firmly anchored in nature and fuelled by passion, purpose and soulfulness. The idea was that once you start living in true integrity with your Highest Self, the Universe will just pour itself into your waiting arms and whatever you desire will instantly manifest. I have since discovered that little nugget of wisdom is nothing but fool's gold. It seems the more I pursue this soulful existence, the more challenging this life becomes - the more I desire something from the highest point of integrity, the more it eludes me; the more layers I peel in my search for 'enlightenment', the less purpose and meaning I find. I feel like a child digging a hole at water's edge - the more I dig, the faster the water comes in to obliterate the hole.

And so, I went down to Bamarang to Quest again with the intention and prayer for the grace of true wisdom. I've been using the arrow in the Fedex logo as a metaphor for this quest: just last month I saw the arrow within the Fedex logo for the very first time. I have received tens of dozens of Fedex packages in my life and have seen the Fedex logo hundreds of times (sitting through the film "Castaway" alone I would have stared at that logo for at least an hour) but have never seen the arrow until someone physically pointed it out to me. And there it is - just sitting there in the negative space between the "e" and the "x" as plain as day - and now every time I see the Fedex logo, the first thing I see is the arrow, which I now understand symbolizes forward movement and thinking. How apt.

It occurred to me that perhaps I had not been seeing the Fedex arrow in my own life - perhaps the part I wasn't getting was as simple as adjusting my perception to see the arrow that has been in front of my eyes the whole time. And maybe in the simplicity and nakedness of nature, the arrow might be shown to me. And it was. Like some cosmic joke.

A few hours into my 24 hour quest, I laid back to look at the sky and noticed that the leafless tree directly to my right - or what was left of it - was a perfectly shaped arrow. There was the trunk, there was a branch on its left coming out of the trunk at a 45 degree angle, and another branch on its right of exactly the same size, diameter and position. And that was it - that was all there was of the tree. A perfect arrow. And a perfect red herring. I had asked for guidance and wisdom and the 'arrow' to show me the path of the paradigm shift and I got a dead tree, a dead end. How the hell was I supposed to convert a dead tree arrow into a decoder for my daily life? I was not amused. I paid good money to sit on my ass in the prickly and dense Australian bush amidst bull ants and horseflies incessantly buzzing around my face with no food and the gods were giving me a dead tree? Are you kidding? I felt like the recipient of one of those cheesy tee shirts... "my parents went to Utopia and all I got was this lousy t-shirt".

From there on, the quest was a monumental struggle. The day dragged on with agonizing and persistent relentless, where minutes felt like hours and my angry, frustrated thoughts drummed through my head like rain on a tin roof. The whole Vision Quest was, as far as I was concerned, the dumbest and most idiotic thing I had ever done (and this was my second round!). The idea of finding true meaning and purpose of life by sitting in a circle on some random piece of dirt for 24 hours was beyond ludicrous - it was completely asinine. The whole spiritual thing was a massive delusion and a cop-out to escape reality through ideology and romanticism and manifestation, the law of attraction and the whole pop psychology of 'The Secret' was a giant con game. In the midst of all this however, I would occasionally find myself spending brief moments as the observer where I would think "ah, look at what the mind is doing to distract and seduce.... that's interesting" but then I got the headache from hell, and the nausea, and it was truly a constant fight just to stay on that mountain, in my circle, and not toss it all in for the comfort of a warm bed and a crackling fire, food and escapism.

It did not get easier and even as I was coming down from the mountain at daybreak the next morning, I felt pissed off and annoyed I had just spent time and money buying into the whole 'Vision Quest' concept when the plain and simple truth was that there was no meaning or purpose in any of it - not just Vision Quest but any of these so-called spiritual endeavors.

But then something dropped in, unannounced, during the closing Sweat Lodge Ceremony. What I suddenly understood at some point between being so annoyed and skeptical when I went into the Lodge and being so hot during the Lodge that I thought I would literally combust, was that all I had to do was be in the experience of it. I didn't have to interpret any signs or symbolsl I didn't have to look for wisdom; I didn't need to imprison myself in a law of cause and effect - I simply had to be in the experience of it and not miss it.

This is different than just being in the present moment because to me, being in the now still implies a cause and effect pattern... if you learn to be in the now, there will be no suffering because nothing is wrong with this moment (unless there is)... whereas just showing up for the experience feels like a complete release of all the baggage - the search for meaning and purpose; the expectation of fulfillment, happiness or peace; the ideology of manifestation; the idea that anything in "my life" is either spellbinding or relevant - so you can just hang out in the experience of whatever it is that you are experiencing, without worrying about what it means or where it might lead or how you might use it. Just hang out. And forget about what it has to do with you. Because it really doesn't have anything to do with you at all and that's the point. Its just an experience, without adjectives.

So that was my glimpse of 'wisdom'. Its only been 4 days since I got that little download so I am still trying to feel my way into this new space at my own (authentic) pace but I did notice today a feeling of being very 'alive' and light. It was like the sub-conscious analysis of how everything relates to me was completely absent for the first time and I was therefore free and clear to just see and feel everyone and everything else around me. Its a feeling I would like to recapture as often as possible but again, even as I type that, the reminder is just to experience life... "don't miss it". I don't need to know what the equation is to replicate these miraculous moments. I just need to turn up for them and surrender to the 'negative' space wherein lies the arrow... whatever that means.

One of my intentions for next year is to study the Tao Te Ching whose 1st verse plants the seed for this apparent paradox -

The Tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named
is not the eternal name.

The Tao is both named and nameless.
As nameless it is the origin of all things;
as named it is the Mother of 10,000 things.

Ever desireless, one can see the mystery;
ever desiring, one sees only the manifestations.
And the mystery itself is the doorway to
all understanding.